Monthly Archives: March 2010

My Favorite Thing in my Closet

There is one thing in my closet that I love with all my heart. I don’t get to wear it as much as I want but when I do, I know life is good.

Please meet my backpack of 7 years, Betty.

Isn’t she great? I got her off Ebay for 40 bucks. I really lucked out. She fits me perfectly and doubles as a decent pillow when I need to crash overnight in an airport/bus station/park to save a couple bucks.

The fact that she’s out to take this photo means that something very exciting is about to happen. It begins with a P and ends with ERU.

Whenever I tell people I’m going to Peru for two weeks I usually get asked…Why Peru?

Well why not?

Granted,  I didn’t think I’d get to South America this early in my travels. I saw more trips to Europe and a first one to Australia in my travel future. Oh, and I can’t forget about my plans I made two years ago to ride an elephant in Thailand and visit Nadia, my old roommate I lived with in Scotland, in Namibia before I’m 30.

But South America. No way. Not now. I’m not that advanced of a traveler yet.

It’s funny how a 271 dollar roundtrip ticket from NYC to Lima can change the way you think about things.

So now I’m off to explore the Gringo Trail for the next two weeks. I don’t think it’s possible for me to be any more excited.  A few of my musts this trip…sandboarding in Huacachina, condors at Colca Canyon, staying with a local family at Amantani Island located on Lake Titicaca and that thing everyone is always talking about… I think they call it the Machu Picchu?

I can tell Betty is excited too. We didn’t get to spend any time together last year. Life got too hectic to travel abroad. The world went into a recession. The only travel I did was domestic and I use a different kind of luggage for that. Yes, I can hear how lame these excuses sound.

I’m gonna make it right this year Betty. I promise.

Here’s a photo of me at 19 and Betty at the start of my international superstar career.

Viva La Betty!!!!

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My Week in Photos

I had an unusually high number of social engagements this week. First, there was crashing the Bounty Hunter after party…

Then I went to an advanced screening of Repo Men…

I wish Jude Law would come and repo this from my memory.

Acefest and Backstage magazine had a networking party for all the bright young things in the city.

It was ok. I don’t know how you’re supposed to “network” when you can’t hear yourself talk. Turn the bass down yo!

There were a couple of other events  I attended that were paparazzi free. I went to a fundraiser for a brand new web-series, Mother Eve’s Secret Garden of Sensual Sisterhood. Say that 5 times fast. I’ve Got Munchies, a sketch show on the Manhattan News Network had their first live show/giveaway. I won a T-Shirt. I love winning free clothes. And I can’t confirm this but I think I was tricked into being a contestant on a Japanese game show. If not… well, we’ll meet again giant Hello Kitty samurai.

On to my favorite day of the week… Trash Treasure Day!

It was looking to be an average week for my block but then I found this Christmas tree.

I know. It’s hard. I wish Christmas was every day too.

Check out these guys I found on the side of an apartment building. What are they? They’re not gargoyles. Monks? Philosophers? Family members of the building owner? I don’t know but I like them.

This one is my favorite. He looks so wise.

*My Week in Photos will be taking a two week hiatus due to my upcoming travels*

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Getting Fired: Tips or How To

I am an expert on how to get fired.

As of this writing I have been fired about eleven or twelve times, not counting the times where I decided to fire them for decreasing the value of my life. I’m not sure if this is a higher than normal number for someone in their mid twenties but I know most of my friends do not shift jobs as often as I do.

International superstars tend to have hard time living a traditional life.

The first time I got fired was when I was sixteen. I was spending my summer working at the movie theater, smiling and tearing tickets. It was a fun job. I got to see movies for free and all of the cool kids were working at the mall at the time so I felt cool by default. 1 It was only a matter of time before I would be invited to “the property” 2 and have my first beer. This would then lead to not only my first boyfriend but first appearance at second base. Cut to an amazing yet completely believable sequence of events (with a makeover montage in the middle) making me the most popular girl in school and the homecoming/prom queen. However, some people try to hate on me by saying it was a bet and I cry. But then I stop crying because I realize I have inner beauty and they don’t. What? This is beginning to sound like the movie She’s All That? Hmm. Never saw it.

Anyway.

One afternoon, I went in to check my schedule for the week. Except I couldn’t because there was a blank space where my name used to be. Simple computer error, I thought.

Here’s something I found out that day that’s true for most places. If your name is off the schedule, chances are you’ve been fired.

“You missed a shift.”

“What?”

“Friday night. You were supposed to work.”

“No I wasn’t.”

“Here’s last week’s schedule.” My manager said, in a way that implied I was about to be served.

Sarah Walker/Friday Night 5-CL

Damn it. Argument invalid.

“Well I didn’t know!” I yelled.

And my manager just shrugged his shoulders, his tiny badger eyes revealing not a sliver of empathy. His indifference really pissed me off. I was never late, did my job, and brought joy to those seeing a movie. But one honest mistake erased all that. I didn’t say anything else to him and stormed out before I started crying what I call my “angry tears”.

Here’s what I learned from that experience.

  1. Your value is nil working for a corporate entity. You are only disposable. Upside? So are they.
  2. It’s easy to move on. If you don’t let your anger/resentment/ego hold you back you’ll find that your life usually improves or at the very least becomes more interesting. The next day I went to the beach instead of spending it in an empty mall.
  3. There are plenty of other jobs out there if you just think outside the box. I know this is hard for some people to hear, especially in these “tough times”, but it’s true. After I got fired from the movie theater, I got a better job as a lawyer’s assistant. I was not at all qualified for it, but so what? International superstars never let a little thing like qualifications get in the way! I took a chance, learned some new things, developed a great friendship with my boss, and got closer to my goal of buying a car. I consider that a win against the system.

Speaking of the system, getting fired is a great way to beat it. Too many people get sucked into jobs they hate, mindlessly putting their time in as life passes them by. I was just at my hometown mall and I saw the same manager who fired me, STILL working there. That was ten years ago! If he’s happy, awesome.  But if you’re not and can’t get up the courage to quit, you should try to get fired. Seriously.

Here are some of my techniques.

Stop going. This works well at the beginning of a new job. There’s little attachment and your bosses are still testing you out. If you don’t show up for a shift it makes it easy for them to fire you. Especially when you don’t answer the phone when they call. If you’ve been at a job longer, you might feel guilty doing this. That’s ok. You can use a different method.

Point out to your boss that he/she is stupid. This is a really fun one and you usually see results. Depending how fast you want to get out of there, you can either say it point blank or drag your time out with sarcastic comments that cut deep. Example:

BOSS: Today we’re going to feature the filet mignon.

YOU: Cause soooo many of our customers know what that is.

This response is brilliant because not only are you undermining your boss’s choice for the special, you’re also getting a dig in against the restaurant! Say it in front of your co-workers for extra smoke on that burn. This technique can be modified for any work environment. Bonus points if you include a derisive snort and eye roll.

Do the least amount of work possible. I love this one. Most workplaces encourage this thing called “initiative”. I don’t understand it. Why would I want to interrupt my daydream fantasy where Zac Efron is feeding me grapes to do some menial task like file papers or answer the phone!?!? A good way to address this request for initiative is to say you’ll get on it and then not do it.

Fake a complaint. Perfect for the Ferris Bueller type of worker. Like Ferris faking sick to get out of school, you’re going to fake a reason to get fired. This is best used in corporations that bend over front to service their customers. Here’s what you do. Create an alias (be creative). Write an email complaint about yourself to the company’s main website. Include phrases such as: Never in my life, tell all my friends, felt ignored. Aim for two complaints a month. Offer a quizzical look when questioned about the complaints and then say you won’t let it happen again. Do the same thing with a different alias two weeks later. Continue until desired results are achieved.

These are just a few ideas to get started. You can even try Linda Evangelista’s technique, read it here: https://thatsnotreal.wordpress.com/2010/03/23/superstar-tip-38/

In no time, you’ll be out of a job and on your way to a better life, perhaps even to international superstardom like me. Feel free to leave other suggestions below!

1. I wasn’t

2. The property was a patch of dirt sandwiched between two orange groves. It was a place perfect for bonfires, sing a longs, and bad teenage decision making.

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Superstar Tip #38

Don’t go to work today. When your boss calls to see where you are say, “I don’t get out of bed for less than 10,000 dollars.”

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Gerard Butler wants you to have his babies

Let me begin this post by saying I am not the biggest fan of Gerard Butler.

I say this because my behavior the other night indicates otherwise. But I promise, it was all in the name of a good blog post.  All I wanted was a photo with Gerry. That’s it.

Here’s how I imagined it would look like.

Cool photo Sarah! But hey. You’re giving him that look. You know, that look you give when you’re considerably unimpressed with someone.

Oh I’m aware.

I’m not saying he’s not attractive or untalented. He’s Scottish so that’s definitely in his favor. He seems like a nice enough guy. He’s just—well, he’s soooo sleazy! And not in a sexy way.

Oh Sarah. You can’t believe those tabloids. Besides he’s dating Jennifer Aniston!

Is he now? Well, at the Bounty Hunter after party the other night— I’m sorry. Let’s backtrack. I’m getting ahead of myself with this fake conversation I’m having with you.

I had tickets to the premiere of The Bounty Hunter. I invited my friend Jessica who is one of my favorite superstar friends. I did not want to see this movie at all but I was excited about trying to crash the after party. However, when I got to the theater I realized I didn’t bring the tickets that you apparently need to get in.    (https://thatsnotreal.wordpress.com/2010/03/20/superstar-tip-1/) Ugh.

International superstars don’t need tickets. It’s called being on the list!

So when they turned us away at the door we worked out a game plan to crash the after party. Jessica was nervous since this was her first time crashing anything so I tried to calm her down by very confidently stating:

“Not only will we get in…. but I bet Gerard Butler hits on one of us!”

Jessica let out a big sigh and rolled her eyes.

“He already has.”

“What?”

“He came into the restaurant the other day, it was gross. Anyway.”

She flicked her hand in the air as though she were dismissing Gerard right in front of us.

“Did you know he did the same thing to my cousin and her friend?! At the Savannah Film Festival last year.”

“Of course he did. Can we stop at Rite Aid? I think I have a blister from these shoes.”

I have to say, I am impressed with how much ground Gerry has covered with the ladies in his relatively short career as a Hollywood movie star. My close friend and my cousin and her friend have had the opportunity to become one with Mr. Sparta. He is clearly on a mission to repopulate the world with his warrior sperm.

The after party was at Tao in Midtown. It wasn’t hard to get in because according to this completely real and not at all fake badge, me and Jessica work at Sony.

The party was ok. It’s never a complete bust when there is free food and booze but the music was lame and Gerard wasn’t talking to me! He kept having security block me from sitting at his table. I thought that was really weird. It was dark in there so I guess he couldn’t see it was me. Yeah, that must have been it.

But then when we went to the (WARNING: double word action ahead) after after party at the Boom Boom Room in the meatpacking district, he didn’t talk to me there either. I thought I would talk to Jennifer to find out what’s up but she’s a unicorn and her existence is questionable. I believe she’s real. I do.

So anyway, I don’t have a photo to share with you. But I do have a photo of my cousin with Gerard Butler and I think that’s good enough for today.

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Superstar Tip #1

Don’t leave your movie premiere tickets at home.

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My Week in Photos

Trash Treasure!!! Here are the goodies on my block this week.

Obviously one item stood out from the rest.

MINE!!!

I also had some weird food discoveries…

like this mutant strawberry. I haven’t eaten yet but I’m hoping upon consumption I will acquire a superpower or two. If I don’t get a superpower out of this, I’ll probably grow an extra appendage which is okay because I will finally have a legitimate reason to join the circus.

And…

then I found this sweet potato I had forgotten about in my cupboard. The tentacles on it really creeped me out. It also smelled like dirt, which it didn’t smell like when I bought it.

This is my friend Emily. She’s an international superstar too. She flew in from LA to work on the show Design Star. She was only in town for a week but I was glad to see her.

Train X? My friend Damian wants to go to there.

This was not found on Train X.

I bet Train X’s riders are not as disgruntled as those on the C train. Wait for me Train X!!!!

Paparazzi catching me dressed down as I go to the grocery store.

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Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan

[picapp align=”center” wrap=”false” link=”term=lindsay+lohan&iid=8209233″ src=”e/a/0/a/Celebs_at_the_0834.JPG?adImageId=11272210&imageId=8209233″ width=”234″ height=”351″ /]

Dear Lindsay,

Hey girl, what’s up? I haven’t seen you since the after party of your movie Georgia Rule. Boy that was a crazy night right? I still remember how everyone wanted to talk to you and take a picture with you and how you told them no. I also remember when I was trying to talk to Jane Fonda and she “couldn’t hear me” you walked right by me without saying good bye!!! It’s okay, I’m not mad at you. That was like, when you were really famous and had only been to rehab once. I know as well as anyone how difficult it can be to manage worldwide celebrity. It’s exhausting to be nice to people.

So I was reading the internet the other day about your latest publicity stunt, er, I mean lawsuit you’re filing against e*trade. I had to smile. Suing a company for 100 MILLION DOLLARS?!?! That’s what I’m talking about! Every international superstar knows that you have to keep your name in the papers no matter how ridiculous/stupid/unfortunate the reason. In fact, you and Paris were the ones who taught me this technique.

In my dreams you speak with your trademark gin and cigarettes voice and call me grasshopper.

But today I am a grasshopper no more. Which is why I am filing a lawsuit against you Ms. Lindsay Lohan for….well, a lot of reasons. The most egregious reason being the fact that you keep drinking from the fountain of crazy. You’re only supposed to drink one cup! Did no one tell you that?! Even Paris and Britney stopped imbibing when they realized too much crazy juice makes their hair extensions fall out.

Please don’t be mad at me. I’m suing you for your own good. I’m not asking for much, just a five year gag order placed on you, your mom and dad and any other wannabe who is friends with you because they’re trying to be famous by association.

Also. I don’t know how to tell you this but… your international superstar status has been revoked. I know. Harsh. I didn’t want it to come to this but the international superstar committee took a vote and we think it’s for the best. It’s not permanent but you will have to retake your certification test. I will totally help you study and let you borrow my cooling eye mask and red dress so you can look your best on the day of your test.

Call me if you need anything and remember, people like you most when you’re a redhead. Embrace it! It’s hard to pull off red hair. I should know.

XOXO!!!!

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Wal-Mart Photo Shoot

As an international superstar you have to make sure your promotional materials are always fresh and kept up to date. Not only does this keep your level of visibility high but it keeps your fans happy. The last thing you want is for your fans to become bored with you and visit another international superstar’s website. However, this can be time consuming and expensive, especially for the novice at the start of his or hers international superstar career.

If you are in the process of becoming an international superstar or just looking for something fun to do on a Saturday afternoon, let me recommend the Wal-Mart Portrait Studio.

A few months ago I needed a new set of photos but I was having problems finding a company that could best capture my “sexy”. I visited several places, JCPenney’s, Sears, and Glamour Shots. They were all fine but none of them exhibited the caliber of photography I was looking for.

Enter Wal-Mart.

It was a warm winter’s eve in Florida when I arrived at my photo shoot accompanied by my photo shoot helper, Amy Grover. As I said hello to the little old lady who was on Greeter Duty, I took a deep breath. Could Wal-Mart handle the supernova force that is Sarah Walker?

As I slipped on my silver glitter parachute pants without a second glance from my photographer, I knew the answer was yes.

“Do it like a high school photo. You know, more awkward.”

“Can you bend your leg that way?”

“Now do a split.”

“That was super cute.”

Kym and Kendra, the photographers, were true professionals. The shoot only lasted 45 minutes but they were able to take me and my photos to the next level. I’ve selected some of my favorite shots so you can see for yourself.

Look at the variety of shots and backdrops. Unbelievable! Any minute Vogue is going to call and ask me to be their September issue cover girl. They won’t even need to do a separate shoot! Everything that fashion represents is exemplified in this photo shoot. You can see the rest of the photos at my fan club, sarahwalkerfanclub.com.

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Saving the World with my Sexy

Sometimes when all the fame, accolades, and marriage proposals get overwhelming, I have to take a minute and remind myself that I chose this life. I wasn’t born an international superstar.

In fact, I almost wasn’t born at all.

Let me explain.

One evening I decided to google news headlines for the date I was born. I wanted to see what events tried to compete with the birth of the second coming of Tallulah Bankhead.1 Figured it would be a pretty good laugh. Instead this is what I found.

On September 26th, 1983, we almost died.”

Wait. What?

The second headline was more sensational and just as chilling.

September 26th, 1983: The day the WORLD almost died.”

!!!!!!!!

While I was hurtling down my mother’s birth canal to begin the process known as life, Russia was preparing to launch 5,000 nuclear missiles to effectively end human existence in the United States. I am not exaggerating. You can read more of that story here….. http://www.politicalcortex.com/story/2005/12/22/154723/21

Can you believe that? It’s terrible to think I almost didn’t get a chance to experience life. I would have missed out on so much! A few things off the top of my head..

  • Girl Scout Cookies
  • Pretending to be a mermaid princess
  • Traveling
  • Hugs
  • George Clooney

The list goes on! Thankfully for you and the rest of the world that didn’t happen. But when I read that article I realized something.

I’m here to save the world with my sexy.

The timing of my birth and a thwarted missile attack is no coincidence. Not just any birth can stop the launch of 5,000 nuclear weapons. And before you bring up all the other people born on that day I want you to think for a minute. Ask yourself what you’re trying to accomplish by being logical. I’ll give you a hint. Nothing.

So how exactly am I going to save the world with my sexy? By writing a blog. Duh.

I know it doesn’t make sense now but you’ll see. Eventually it’ll alllll come together and you’ll say “My god. That’s how she did it!” and I won’t say I told you so but I’ll be thinking it. And then I’ll start thinking how we must not really be friends if you doubted my world saving abilities. Next thing you know, it’s five years later and I don’t even remember what you look like.

But that’s all in the distant future. Until then, it’s one blog post at a time.

Oh, and I promise to use my powers for good.

1. Paris, Britney and Lindsey have nothing on Tallulah Bankhead. That woman knows how a good scandal is done. Check out how her wikipedia classifies her as a “Bon Vivant”….

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tallulah_Bankhead

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