Remember NEVER take responsibility for your actions. Always place the blame on someone else while you pose for your Vanity Fair cover.
Category Archives: Superstar Advice
This is pretty simple. I’m going to tally up what has and hasn’t worked for my life in August.
I had an allergic reaction that caused my eyes to swell to uncomfortable size and forced me into seclusion for two days. Thanks Maybelline! I have thick lashes but I look like a toad.
[picapp align=”center” wrap=”false” link=”term=toad&iid=8360387″ src=”http://view3.picapp.com/pictures.photo/image/8360387/townsville-hosts-cane-toad/townsville-hosts-cane-toad.jpg?size=500&imageId=8360387″ width=”234″ height=”150″ /]
- Sarah: 0 August:1
My printer broke. This is so serious I can’t even process it.
- Sarah: 0 August: 2
Recall there is a printer at my internship that I can use in emergencies.
- Sarah: .5 August: 2
Discover that my spayed cat is in heat. Awesome.
- Sarah: .5 August: 3
The ASPCA is doing a free spay/neuter in my neighborhood on the 20th?!?! Chalk one up to my side!
- Sarah: 1.5 August: 3
Taylor Swift and Carrie Underwood have great new songs? I think that counts as double.
[picapp align=”center” wrap=”false” link=”term=taylor+swift&iid=9141301″ src=”http://view3.picapp.com/pictures.photo/image/9141301/41st-annual-songwriters/41st-annual-songwriters.jpg?size=500&imageId=9141301″ width=”234″ height=”270″ /]
[picapp align=”center” wrap=”false” link=”term=carrie+underwood&iid=9458197″ src=”http://view3.picapp.com/pictures.photo/image/9458197/carrie-underwood-nbc-today/carrie-underwood-nbc-today.jpg?size=500&imageId=9458197″ width=”234″ height=”323″ /]
- Sarah: 3.5 August: 3
Thought Know I had a great audition for a play but did not get a callback. Is it that I’m too talented? I think that’s my problem.
- Sarah: 4 (I gave myself .5 for my talent) August: 4
Free tickets to an Eat Pray Love Screening!!
- Sarah: 5 August: 4
Realize that Eat Pray Love never should have been made into a movie.
- Sarah: 5, August: 5, Julia Roberts: 1, Ryan Murphy: 112 (the other 111 points are for all the celebrities that have starred, are going to star, rumored to star, and want to star on Glee.)
To summarize, August and I are tied at the moment, which is surprising. I started this scoreboard because I felt like August was kicking me in the stomach but now I see we are calmly holding hands and walking together on a quaint back street in Paris. What a great way for me to gain some perspective on my life. Wait… a new perspective? That’s sooooo another point!
Sarah: 6 August: 5
Hmm. Giving myself another point was so nice, I think I’ll do it again. Just cause.
Sarah: 7 August: 5
And now, I’m going to take a point away from August because I am Master of the Scoreboard and I feel like it.
Sarah: 7 August: 4
HA! Look how easy it was to do that! How was it so easy?
Because I’m the one holding the chalk.
And that my grasshoppers, is all for today’s lesson. You may go now.
[picapp align=”center” wrap=”false” link=”term=grasshopper&iid=1981153″ src=”http://view3.picapp.com/pictures.photo/image/1981153/the-carrizo-plain-national/the-carrizo-plain-national.jpg?size=500&imageId=1981153″ width=”234″ height=”152″ /]
Don’t forget to watch out for the toad.
I am excited to announce my first guest post! The post comes from my cousin, Lauren Fitzpatrick. You should read it because she’s related to me and that makes her awesome.
How to Have Your Brush With Fame
As exciting as it is to be an international superstar, it is a full time job. Sometimes just breathing the same air as your favorite celebrity is enough. If you are looking for a taste of superstardom on the low to moderate scale, here are five different ways that you, too, can mingle with the stars.
- Find out where the stars are, and get there before they do. I’m not talking about stalking here, people (Hello? That’s illegal.). I’m talking about the one place that celebrities want you to be at, nay need you to be at… the movie premiere. Celebrities attend these premieres with the full expectation that YOU are going to be there. Someone has to keep them famous, right? It’s like a party that you didn’t need an invite for because Brad Pitt already assumes you are going to be there. His people told your people. Movie premieres are listed online. All you have to do is show up.
When I was a naïve 22-year-old in London, I turned up in Leicester Square six hours before the scheduled start time for the premiere of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. The festivities started over an hour late, by which time I was trapped in a crush of screaming hormones and afraid for my life. It was all worth it when the stars appeared, because I was a full foot taller than those around me and able to take clear photos for my cousin’s future blog. Nifty huh?
Of course, this tip is only useful if you are within traveling distance of a major city, where premieres are being held. Otherwise, bad luck.
- Find out who they are before they get famous. Back in 1999, my friend Anne and I heard that a little band known as the Dixie Chicks were passing through the Indiana State Fair. Their star was on the rise then (it has since plummeted from the sky in a cloud of disintegrating dust), so they were still playing free concerts. We walked straight up to their tour bus so Anne could ask Natalie Maines her one burning question:
“Excuse me,” she said to Natalie, “What inspired y’all to write There’s Your Trouble? Because that’s, like, my life story.”
“Oh, we didn’t write that, darlin’,” Natalie drawled, scribbling autographs on our fair tickets in bold permanent marker. “Sorry.”
The point is, who had Natalie’s autograph taped to their scrapbooks when the Dixie Chicks became super famous country music stars, struggling under the weight of multiple Grammy awards? We did.
- Seek out your connections. Use them shamelessly. Do you know someone who has a second cousin that works backstage on the set of Grey’s Anatomy? Give them a call. Become their friend. When they mention what they do for a living, act surprised and unimpressed. A nonchalant approach works best. If they think you are a crazed fan, the likelihood of being invited onset drastically diminishes.
I had a friend in London whose husband was a producer for the Graham Norton show. This is sort of like the Conan O’Brien show, only more politically incorrect. My boyfriend and I attended a taping as the producer’s guests, followed by canapés in the green room with former tennis star Martina Navratilova. We also got the inside gossip about guest Brendan Fraser being whacked out on drugs during the entire taping. Guess Encino Man never really grew out of his character.
- Pure dumb luck. By this, I mean karma. Are you the kind of person who reads People magazine online and can recite celebrity baby names by heart? If so, you are on the right track. The universe will reward you with a random celebrity sighting, straight from the pages of US magazine.
I was with renowned international superstar, Sarah Walker and my sister, on the streets of NYC at the time of my first RCS.
“Is that-“ Sarah asked.
“I think it is,” I answered.
“What are you guys talking about?” Megan shouted.
“It’s Drew Barrymore,” Sarah whispered.
“Drew? Drew who?” Megan shouted.
Drew, walking in front of us with her boyfriend at the time, Strokes drummer Fabrizio Moretti, turned at the sound of her name.
“Ssh,” I hissed.
“Who is Drew?” Megan insisted.
“Drew Barrymore is right in front of us,” Sarah explained quietly.
“What – ohmigod! Drew Barrymore!”
At this point, Drew & Fabrizio hailed a cab, stepping off the curb and out of our lives forever.
“Well, that was exciting,” said Megan, returning to a normal volume.
Build it, and they will come.
- Enter contests, preferably radio. This is pretty self explanatory but here are two examples of how I used contests to my advantage.
In my youth, I was a misguided NSYNC fan. This lasted for approximately two years, and nine concerts, at two of which I sat front row. All I had to do was win a radio contest titled, “What would you do for NSYNC tickets?” I sat in a trash can full of icy water. One girl drank dirty bathwater out of a shoe worn while mowing the lawn. Another shaved her head. I won, all because I had brought the largest contingent of crowd support. My prize was a radio breakfast with opening act Soul Decision and front row tickets to the concert.
The following year, two members of NSYNC appeared at an Indianapolis bowling alley to judge a radio karaoke contest. My friends and I appeared on stage in sparkly bellbottoms and afros, singing a killer version of ‘I will survive.’ JC Chasez gave us a ’10.’ Although we failed to win the second round, having drawn the unfortunate song ‘Music’ by Madonna, the day was a resounding success.
Where there are radio stations, there are contests. Enter them. Win. Rejoice.
Lauren Fitzpatrick is an international superstar by birth. She has traveled to over 30 countries and is in the process of moving to South Korea for the year to teach English. You can follow her travels at www.blogabouteurope.typepad.com.
Take a look at this. This is what the word No looks like.
It’s not pretty is it? More on this photo later.
No is such a pesky word. I don’t know anyone who isn’t constantly bothered by it. I find that No tends to buzz around me, rather inconspicuously until I decide I want to accomplish something new and exciting. Then as I start to implement my plans, the No buzzing gets louder and louder and I have to keep swatting at it otherwise the No’s get in my eyes or go up my nose and if it’s a bad day, I’ll accidentally swallow one. Yuck. Can someone pass the no spray please?
I decided pretty young I was going to be an international superstar. An unusual career choice for a seven year old but I knew, even at that age, it was not impossible. But when I announced my plans to move to New York City* people reacted as though I was trying to mastermind Pauly Shore’s return to acting. They were angry, confused, hurt, and full of fear. Some tried whatever they could to change my mind and stop me from going. None of their tactics worked. I arrived in NYC on a one way ticket at age 20. Six years in, I’m still here and the world continues to spin. Imagine that.
Chances are if you want to live a life that is outside of the traditional world of college, 9 to 5 and babies you’ll hear No a lot more. Don’t get me wrong, everyone still has to deal with it. But people who want to forge new roads in the world often get hit by a different and much more vicious type of No. For whatever reason, the people who spew out these kind of No’s have deemed your life dream silly/unrealistic/a waste of time/laughable.
Since I was so young when I chose my life path, my resistance to all kinds of no’s is strong. In fact, I’ve even come up with a few ways to counteract the people who try to tell you No. At the very least, these techniques will deflect the No back at the person and stun them just long enough for you to make your escape.
Pretend you didn’t hear them. If a person says you can’t do something, ask them to repeat themselves. Then ask them to repeat again. And again. If they start to get angry say, “I’m sorry I just don’t understand. Can you repeat that?” Chances are they’ll be aggravated enough to give you what you want or walk away from you.
Act as though it’s a reality/they already said yes. Example. When I was trying to sneak into Wilmer Valderrama’s birthday party a few years ago, the bouncer tried to stop me. To get around him and his No, I simply told him I had been in there the whole night. The bouncer quickly apologized and let me in. I proceeded to take shots with Wilmer and sing him happy birthday. The trick to this technique is confidence and a super-belief that they’ve already said yes. Any sort of hesitation and you’re a dead duck. It does involve using some jedi mind magic so advanced students only.
Buddy system. This is an extremely versatile technique. Two is always better than one when it comes to trying to get your way. Some nice ways to use this include the double team, wing man/woman, using your friend to guilt your parents and having your weaknesses be your buddy’s strengths.
Listen to it. This is probably something you didn’t expect me to say. However, sometimes a No can be good for you. Spoken at the right time, a No can lead you in an even stronger and more exciting direction than previously imagined. Example. I had just graduated high school and started an acting class in Orlando. My plan was to move straight to NYC after I completed this class. When I asked my acting teacher (a former new york actress herself) for her advice, I did not get the encouragement to go to New York. I was shocked. I considered myself talented and ready for the big leagues. Instead, she told me to go get some life experience first and then move to New York. So I bought a plane ticket to Scotland and didn’t return for six months. She was right. I did need some more life experience and listening to that actually made me more aligned with what I’m supposed to be doing here on earth. Try to only listen to a No when it comes from someone you really respect.
Now about the Daniel Radcliffe photo.
This is Daniel after his Broadway performance in the show Equus. There was a mob of salivating teenage girls waiting for him to leave the theater but my best friend and I managed to maneuver around them and snag a spot directly by the stage door. I handed my friend my camera and instructed her to take whatever photo she could (a great example of the buddy system technique at work). As Daniel took his sweet time coming out, his fans became increasingly hysterical. Especially the one that happened to be located directly behind me. She was worried that because she was in the second row, Daniel would overlook her and not sign her playbill. She sobbed as she told me this. Sobbed. I offered to take her playbill and get him to sign it. How nice of me.
Daniel finally came out to sign some playbills. His appearance caused such a stir that 45th street had to be shut down. When he reached me he happily took my playbill and signed it but when I handed him sobbing girl’s playbill he gave me the constipated look that is his Harry Potter trademark.
“Oh, um, I’m sorry. I can’t do that.”
“What?” I stared at him with my deatheater eyes.
“One playbill a person.”
“But it’s not even for me. It’s for her.” If the girl was crying before, she was practically on the ground now heaving with an excessive level of emotion . She pulled herself together enough to look vaguely in his direction and nod.
“I’m sorry, I really can’t.”
I was speechless. Clearly this wasn’t a situation where I was trying to be an autograph hound and make some cash off his signature. There was a crying girl behind me! But my friend being the quick thinker that she is, snatched the crying girl’s playbill out of my hand and thrust it into Daniel’s face.
“Fine. Sign my playbill.”
I love my friend Reny. Not only did she catch the precise moment of when Daniel told me no on my camera (note the crying girl’s playbill I’m trying to hand him in the right hand corner) she thwarts his no by calling out how ridiculous this whole situation was with one sharp jab of a floppy playbill. Daniel signed it and aware of how stupid he just sounded, tried to make an awkward joke, “Ah, you’re a smart one aren’t you?” but nobody laughed.
So let me end this post with a cliched yet true statement. Don’t take no for answer! Even if it comes from a person who plays the most magical boy wizard that ever lived.
*New York is an excellent place to begin your int’l superstar career if you’re thinking of having one yourself.
Hey girl, what’s up? Congrats on your new video launch, I just watched the world premiere on E! I’ve been trying to get a hold of you to tell you what I think but you haven’t returned any of my high fives on Facebook. I guess you’re busy hanging with your new best friend Demi Lovato. That’s cool, I have a new best friend too. Her name is Amie and she looks like Demi but, like, an even prettier Demi…see?
But it’s not like we’re keeping score on whose best friend is prettier. That’s silly stuff. What I really want to talk about is your new video and what I liked about it as well as some advice you should consider. You know me, I love giving unsolicited advice to Disney starlets. https://thatsnotreal.wordpress.com/2010/03/15/open-letter-to-lindsay-lohan/
I’ll start with the positive.
-I like the metaphor of you being a rare bird trapped in a “gilded” cage. I thought it was really original and it illuminated how hard it is to be “A Cyrus”. Although, it made me wonder if “A Cyrus” was at all related to “A Dodo” and if you will one day face a similar fate: extinction by human intervention.
-I know you can’t be tamed but can your auto tune? Hahaha, just joshing. I’m not a fan of auto tune but for you it’s a good thing! That way people won’t recognize that your lyrics like…
I‘m like a puzzle but all of my pieces are jagged
If you can understand this, we can make some magic
I’m on like that
…is what gave them their ear cancer. By the by, isn’t what makes a puzzle a puzzle is its jagged pieces? You can correct me if I’m wrong but I think I’m right. Speaking of puzzles, I love the word puzzle. Puzzle, puzzle, puzzle. Puuuuzzzle.
Now. I have some advice for you now that you may not want to hear. But I promise you in about 10 years you’ll thank me.
Stop trying to be sexy.
I know, I know. You told Ryan Seacrest that’s not what you were going for and that you want people to pay attention to the meaning of the song first, blah blah blah. Britney Spears said she just wanted to wear something pretty and sparkly during her famous 2000 VMA performance and what did she end up wearing?!?!
[picapp align=”center” wrap=”false” link=”term=britney+spears&iid=5874382″ src=”6/2/c/7/2000_MTV_VIDEO_c478.jpg?adImageId=12753868&imageId=5874382″ width=”236″ height=”354″ /]
So we all know what you’re doing. You’re going Britney.
You’re not Britney. When Britney was 17 she was actually sexy. It may be wrong to say that considering her age but she was. You’re not. That’s not to say that you never will be but at the moment you’re not.
AND THAT’S OKAY.
You don’t have to rush it. Take it from me, an older and wiser international superstar. It’s much more fun to be sexy later on in life. I understand your eagerness though. I used to be just like you, trying to be sexy before my time. Don’t believe me? I’ll prove it.
Take a look at this photo. This was me at fourteen taking a DIY glamour shot.
Even though my superstar potential is obvious, I wasn’t ready to be in front of a camera yet. And because no one told me I wasn’t ready, the photo suffers. It ends up looking forced and awkward. Which is what I see when I watch your video for Can’t be Tamed.
Don’t be upset. I’m only trying to help you. The good news is that just because you’re not sexy now doesn’t mean you won’t learn later on in life what it is that truly makes you sexy. Hint: It’s not what those crones at your label say it is. Don’t believe me? I’ll prove it.
Take a look at this photo, taken years after my first attempt at sexiness.
Now, as you can see, I’ve become almost too sexy for my own good. This post-adolescent animorph of me coming into my sexy appears effortless but it took a long time to learn how to carry myself so I no longer look like a baby giraffe trying to take its first steps. And because it took so long my mental health remains intact. That means no rehab for me!
So take it down a notch kid.* Show us sexy when you’ve learned what it means.
*I’m not using kid as a cute nickname, I’m using it literally.
Sometimes the ATM in Aguas Calientes, Peru doesn’t like to give out money. Bring enough cash otherwise you will end up crying on a park bench wondering how the hell you’re going to get back to Cuzco.
I am an expert on how to get fired.
As of this writing I have been fired about eleven or twelve times, not counting the times where I decided to fire them for decreasing the value of my life. I’m not sure if this is a higher than normal number for someone in their mid twenties but I know most of my friends do not shift jobs as often as I do.
International superstars tend to have hard time living a traditional life.
The first time I got fired was when I was sixteen. I was spending my summer working at the movie theater, smiling and tearing tickets. It was a fun job. I got to see movies for free and all of the cool kids were working at the mall at the time so I felt cool by default. 1 It was only a matter of time before I would be invited to “the property” 2 and have my first beer. This would then lead to not only my first boyfriend but first appearance at second base. Cut to an amazing yet completely believable sequence of events (with a makeover montage in the middle) making me the most popular girl in school and the homecoming/prom queen. However, some people try to hate on me by saying it was a bet and I cry. But then I stop crying because I realize I have inner beauty and they don’t. What? This is beginning to sound like the movie She’s All That? Hmm. Never saw it.
One afternoon, I went in to check my schedule for the week. Except I couldn’t because there was a blank space where my name used to be. Simple computer error, I thought.
Here’s something I found out that day that’s true for most places. If your name is off the schedule, chances are you’ve been fired.
“You missed a shift.”
“Friday night. You were supposed to work.”
“No I wasn’t.”
“Here’s last week’s schedule.” My manager said, in a way that implied I was about to be served.
Sarah Walker/Friday Night 5-CL
Damn it. Argument invalid.
“Well I didn’t know!” I yelled.
And my manager just shrugged his shoulders, his tiny badger eyes revealing not a sliver of empathy. His indifference really pissed me off. I was never late, did my job, and brought joy to those seeing a movie. But one honest mistake erased all that. I didn’t say anything else to him and stormed out before I started crying what I call my “angry tears”.
Here’s what I learned from that experience.
- Your value is nil working for a corporate entity. You are only disposable. Upside? So are they.
- It’s easy to move on. If you don’t let your anger/resentment/ego hold you back you’ll find that your life usually improves or at the very least becomes more interesting. The next day I went to the beach instead of spending it in an empty mall.
- There are plenty of other jobs out there if you just think outside the box. I know this is hard for some people to hear, especially in these “tough times”, but it’s true. After I got fired from the movie theater, I got a better job as a lawyer’s assistant. I was not at all qualified for it, but so what? International superstars never let a little thing like qualifications get in the way! I took a chance, learned some new things, developed a great friendship with my boss, and got closer to my goal of buying a car. I consider that a win against the system.
Speaking of the system, getting fired is a great way to beat it. Too many people get sucked into jobs they hate, mindlessly putting their time in as life passes them by. I was just at my hometown mall and I saw the same manager who fired me, STILL working there. That was ten years ago! If he’s happy, awesome. But if you’re not and can’t get up the courage to quit, you should try to get fired. Seriously.
Here are some of my techniques.
Stop going. This works well at the beginning of a new job. There’s little attachment and your bosses are still testing you out. If you don’t show up for a shift it makes it easy for them to fire you. Especially when you don’t answer the phone when they call. If you’ve been at a job longer, you might feel guilty doing this. That’s ok. You can use a different method.
Point out to your boss that he/she is stupid. This is a really fun one and you usually see results. Depending how fast you want to get out of there, you can either say it point blank or drag your time out with sarcastic comments that cut deep. Example:
BOSS: Today we’re going to feature the filet mignon.
YOU: Cause soooo many of our customers know what that is.
This response is brilliant because not only are you undermining your boss’s choice for the special, you’re also getting a dig in against the restaurant! Say it in front of your co-workers for extra smoke on that burn. This technique can be modified for any work environment. Bonus points if you include a derisive snort and eye roll.
Do the least amount of work possible. I love this one. Most workplaces encourage this thing called “initiative”. I don’t understand it. Why would I want to interrupt my daydream fantasy where Zac Efron is feeding me grapes to do some menial task like file papers or answer the phone!?!? A good way to address this request for initiative is to say you’ll get on it and then not do it.
Fake a complaint. Perfect for the Ferris Bueller type of worker. Like Ferris faking sick to get out of school, you’re going to fake a reason to get fired. This is best used in corporations that bend over front to service their customers. Here’s what you do. Create an alias (be creative). Write an email complaint about yourself to the company’s main website. Include phrases such as: Never in my life, tell all my friends, felt ignored. Aim for two complaints a month. Offer a quizzical look when questioned about the complaints and then say you won’t let it happen again. Do the same thing with a different alias two weeks later. Continue until desired results are achieved.
These are just a few ideas to get started. You can even try Linda Evangelista’s technique, read it here: https://thatsnotreal.wordpress.com/2010/03/23/superstar-tip-38/
In no time, you’ll be out of a job and on your way to a better life, perhaps even to international superstardom like me. Feel free to leave other suggestions below!
1. I wasn’t
2. The property was a patch of dirt sandwiched between two orange groves. It was a place perfect for bonfires, sing a longs, and bad teenage decision making.
Don’t go to work today. When your boss calls to see where you are say, “I don’t get out of bed for less than 10,000 dollars.”
Don’t leave your movie premiere tickets at home.
[picapp align=”center” wrap=”false” link=”term=lindsay+lohan&iid=8209233″ src=”e/a/0/a/Celebs_at_the_0834.JPG?adImageId=11272210&imageId=8209233″ width=”234″ height=”351″ /]
Hey girl, what’s up? I haven’t seen you since the after party of your movie Georgia Rule. Boy that was a crazy night right? I still remember how everyone wanted to talk to you and take a picture with you and how you told them no. I also remember when I was trying to talk to Jane Fonda and she “couldn’t hear me” you walked right by me without saying good bye!!! It’s okay, I’m not mad at you. That was like, when you were really famous and had only been to rehab once. I know as well as anyone how difficult it can be to manage worldwide celebrity. It’s exhausting to be nice to people.
So I was reading the internet the other day about your latest publicity stunt, er, I mean lawsuit you’re filing against e*trade. I had to smile. Suing a company for 100 MILLION DOLLARS?!?! That’s what I’m talking about! Every international superstar knows that you have to keep your name in the papers no matter how ridiculous/stupid/unfortunate the reason. In fact, you and Paris were the ones who taught me this technique.
In my dreams you speak with your trademark gin and cigarettes voice and call me grasshopper.
But today I am a grasshopper no more. Which is why I am filing a lawsuit against you Ms. Lindsay Lohan for….well, a lot of reasons. The most egregious reason being the fact that you keep drinking from the fountain of crazy. You’re only supposed to drink one cup! Did no one tell you that?! Even Paris and Britney stopped imbibing when they realized too much crazy juice makes their hair extensions fall out.
Please don’t be mad at me. I’m suing you for your own good. I’m not asking for much, just a five year gag order placed on you, your mom and dad and any other wannabe who is friends with you because they’re trying to be famous by association.
Also. I don’t know how to tell you this but… your international superstar status has been revoked. I know. Harsh. I didn’t want it to come to this but the international superstar committee took a vote and we think it’s for the best. It’s not permanent but you will have to retake your certification test. I will totally help you study and let you borrow my cooling eye mask and red dress so you can look your best on the day of your test.
Call me if you need anything and remember, people like you most when you’re a redhead. Embrace it! It’s hard to pull off red hair. I should know.