Hey girl, what’s up? Congrats on your new video launch, I just watched the world premiere on E! I’ve been trying to get a hold of you to tell you what I think but you haven’t returned any of my high fives on Facebook. I guess you’re busy hanging with your new best friend Demi Lovato. That’s cool, I have a new best friend too. Her name is Amie and she looks like Demi but, like, an even prettier Demi…see?
But it’s not like we’re keeping score on whose best friend is prettier. That’s silly stuff. What I really want to talk about is your new video and what I liked about it as well as some advice you should consider. You know me, I love giving unsolicited advice to Disney starlets. https://thatsnotreal.wordpress.com/2010/03/15/open-letter-to-lindsay-lohan/
I’ll start with the positive.
-I like the metaphor of you being a rare bird trapped in a “gilded” cage. I thought it was really original and it illuminated how hard it is to be “A Cyrus”. Although, it made me wonder if “A Cyrus” was at all related to “A Dodo” and if you will one day face a similar fate: extinction by human intervention.
-I know you can’t be tamed but can your auto tune? Hahaha, just joshing. I’m not a fan of auto tune but for you it’s a good thing! That way people won’t recognize that your lyrics like…
I‘m like a puzzle but all of my pieces are jagged
If you can understand this, we can make some magic
I’m on like that
…is what gave them their ear cancer. By the by, isn’t what makes a puzzle a puzzle is its jagged pieces? You can correct me if I’m wrong but I think I’m right. Speaking of puzzles, I love the word puzzle. Puzzle, puzzle, puzzle. Puuuuzzzle.
Now. I have some advice for you now that you may not want to hear. But I promise you in about 10 years you’ll thank me.
Stop trying to be sexy.
I know, I know. You told Ryan Seacrest that’s not what you were going for and that you want people to pay attention to the meaning of the song first, blah blah blah. Britney Spears said she just wanted to wear something pretty and sparkly during her famous 2000 VMA performance and what did she end up wearing?!?!
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So we all know what you’re doing. You’re going Britney.
You’re not Britney. When Britney was 17 she was actually sexy. It may be wrong to say that considering her age but she was. You’re not. That’s not to say that you never will be but at the moment you’re not.
AND THAT’S OKAY.
You don’t have to rush it. Take it from me, an older and wiser international superstar. It’s much more fun to be sexy later on in life. I understand your eagerness though. I used to be just like you, trying to be sexy before my time. Don’t believe me? I’ll prove it.
Take a look at this photo. This was me at fourteen taking a DIY glamour shot.
Even though my superstar potential is obvious, I wasn’t ready to be in front of a camera yet. And because no one told me I wasn’t ready, the photo suffers. It ends up looking forced and awkward. Which is what I see when I watch your video for Can’t be Tamed.
Don’t be upset. I’m only trying to help you. The good news is that just because you’re not sexy now doesn’t mean you won’t learn later on in life what it is that truly makes you sexy. Hint: It’s not what those crones at your label say it is. Don’t believe me? I’ll prove it.
Take a look at this photo, taken years after my first attempt at sexiness.
Now, as you can see, I’ve become almost too sexy for my own good. This post-adolescent animorph of me coming into my sexy appears effortless but it took a long time to learn how to carry myself so I no longer look like a baby giraffe trying to take its first steps. And because it took so long my mental health remains intact. That means no rehab for me!
So take it down a notch kid.* Show us sexy when you’ve learned what it means.
*I’m not using kid as a cute nickname, I’m using it literally.