Tag Archives: Humor

Guest Post: How to Have your Brush with Fame

I am excited to announce my first guest post! The post comes from my cousin, Lauren Fitzpatrick. You should read it because she’s related to me and that makes her awesome.

How to Have Your Brush With Fame

As exciting as it is to be an international superstar, it is a full time job. Sometimes just breathing the same air as your favorite celebrity is enough. If you are looking for a taste of superstardom on the low to moderate scale, here are five different ways that you, too, can mingle with the stars.

  • Find out where the stars are, and get there before they do. I’m not talking about stalking here, people (Hello? That’s illegal.). I’m talking about the one place that celebrities want you to be at, nay need you to be at… the movie premiere. Celebrities attend these premieres with the full expectation that YOU are going to be there. Someone has to keep them famous, right? It’s like a party that you didn’t need an invite for because Brad Pitt already assumes you are going to be there. His people told your people. Movie premieres are listed online. All you have to do is show up.

When I was a naïve 22-year-old in London, I turned up in Leicester Square six hours before the scheduled start time for the premiere of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. The festivities started over an hour late, by which time I was trapped in a crush of screaming hormones and afraid for my life. It was all worth it when the stars appeared, because I was a full foot taller than those around me and able to take clear photos for my cousin’s future blog. Nifty huh?


Of course, this tip is only useful if you are within traveling distance of a major city, where premieres are being held. Otherwise, bad luck.

  • Find out who they are before they get famous. Back in 1999, my friend Anne and I heard that a little band known as the Dixie Chicks were passing through the Indiana State Fair. Their star was on the rise then (it has since plummeted from the sky in a cloud of disintegrating dust), so they were still playing free concerts. We walked straight up to their tour bus so Anne could ask Natalie Maines her one burning question:

Excuse me,” she said to Natalie, “What inspired y’all to write There’s Your Trouble? Because that’s, like, my life story.”

Oh, we didn’t write that, darlin’,” Natalie drawled, scribbling autographs on our fair tickets in bold permanent marker. “Sorry.”

The point is, who had Natalie’s autograph taped to their scrapbooks when the Dixie Chicks became super famous country music stars, struggling under the weight of multiple Grammy awards? We did.

  • Seek out your connections. Use them shamelessly. Do you know someone who has a second cousin that works backstage on the set of Grey’s Anatomy? Give them a call. Become their friend. When they mention what they do for a living, act surprised and unimpressed. A nonchalant approach works best. If they think you are a crazed fan, the likelihood of being invited onset drastically diminishes.

I had a friend in London whose husband was a producer for the Graham Norton show. This is sort of like the Conan O’Brien show, only more politically incorrect. My boyfriend and I attended a taping as the producer’s guests, followed by canapés in the green room with former tennis star Martina Navratilova. We also got the inside gossip about guest Brendan Fraser being whacked out on drugs during the entire taping. Guess Encino Man never really grew out of his character.

  • Pure dumb luck. By this, I mean karma. Are you the kind of person who reads People magazine online and can recite celebrity baby names by heart? If so, you are on the right track. The universe will reward you with a random celebrity sighting, straight from the pages of US magazine.

I was with renowned international superstar, Sarah Walker and my sister, on the streets of NYC at the time of my first RCS.

Is that-“ Sarah asked.

I think it is,” I answered.

What are you guys talking about?” Megan shouted.

It’s Drew Barrymore,” Sarah whispered.

Drew? Drew who?” Megan shouted.

Drew, walking in front of us with her boyfriend at the time, Strokes drummer Fabrizio Moretti, turned at the sound of her name.

Ssh,” I hissed.

Who is Drew?” Megan insisted.

Drew Barrymore is right in front of us,” Sarah explained quietly.

What – ohmigod! Drew Barrymore!”

At this point, Drew & Fabrizio hailed a cab, stepping off the curb and out of our lives forever.

Well, that was exciting,” said Megan, returning to a normal volume.

Build it, and they will come.

  • Enter contests, preferably radio. This is pretty self explanatory but here are two examples of how I used contests to my advantage.

In my youth, I was a misguided NSYNC fan. This lasted for approximately two years, and nine concerts, at two of which I sat front row. All I had to do was win a radio contest titled, “What would you do for NSYNC tickets?” I sat in a trash can full of icy water. One girl drank dirty bathwater out of a shoe worn while mowing the lawn. Another shaved her head. I won, all because I had brought the largest contingent of crowd support. My prize was a radio breakfast with opening act Soul Decision and front row tickets to the concert.

The following year, two members of NSYNC appeared at an Indianapolis bowling alley to judge a radio karaoke contest. My friends and I appeared on stage in sparkly bellbottoms and afros, singing a killer version of ‘I will survive.’ JC Chasez gave us a ’10.’ Although we failed to win the second round, having drawn the unfortunate song ‘Music’ by Madonna, the day was a resounding success.

Where there are radio stations, there are contests. Enter them. Win. Rejoice.

*********************************************************************************************************

Lauren Fitzpatrick is an international superstar by birth. She has traveled to over 30 countries and is in the process of moving to South Korea for the year to teach English. You can follow her travels at www.blogabouteurope.typepad.com.

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Open Letter to Miley Cyrus

Dear Miley,

Hey girl, what’s up? Congrats on your new video launch, I just watched the world premiere on E! I’ve been trying to get a hold of you to tell you what I think but you haven’t returned any of my high fives on Facebook. I guess you’re busy hanging with your new best friend Demi Lovato. That’s cool, I have a new best friend too. Her name is Amie and she looks like Demi but, like, an even prettier Demi…see?

But it’s not like we’re keeping score on whose best friend is prettier. That’s silly stuff. What I really want to talk about is your new video and what I liked about it as well as some advice you should consider. You know me, I love giving unsolicited advice to Disney starlets.  https://thatsnotreal.wordpress.com/2010/03/15/open-letter-to-lindsay-lohan/

I’ll start with the positive.

-I like the metaphor of you being a rare bird trapped in a “gilded” cage. I thought it was really original and it illuminated how hard it is to be “A Cyrus”. Although, it made me wonder if “A Cyrus” was at all related to “A Dodo” and if you will one day face a similar fate: extinction by human intervention.

-I know you can’t be tamed but can your auto tune? Hahaha, just joshing. I’m not a fan of auto tune but for you it’s a good thing! That way people won’t recognize that your lyrics like…

I‘m like a puzzle but all of my pieces are jagged
If you can understand this, we can make some magic
I’m on like that

…is what gave them their ear cancer. By the by, isn’t what makes a puzzle a puzzle is its jagged pieces? You can correct me if I’m wrong but I think I’m right. Speaking of puzzles, I love the word puzzle. Puzzle, puzzle, puzzle. Puuuuzzzle.

Now. I have some advice for you now that you may not want to hear. But I promise you in about 10 years you’ll thank me.

Stop trying to be sexy.

I know, I know. You told Ryan Seacrest that’s not what you were going for and that you want people to pay attention to the meaning of the song first, blah blah blah. Britney Spears said she just wanted to wear something pretty and sparkly during her famous 2000 VMA performance and what did she end up wearing?!?!

This.

[picapp align=”center” wrap=”false” link=”term=britney+spears&iid=5874382″ src=”6/2/c/7/2000_MTV_VIDEO_c478.jpg?adImageId=12753868&imageId=5874382″ width=”236″ height=”354″ /]

So we all know what you’re doing. You’re going Britney.

However.

You’re not Britney. When Britney was 17 she was actually sexy. It may be wrong to say that considering her age but she was. You’re not. That’s not to say that you never will be but at the moment you’re not.

AND THAT’S OKAY.

You don’t have to rush it. Take it from me, an older and wiser international superstar. It’s much more fun to be sexy later on in life. I understand your eagerness though. I used to be just like you, trying to be sexy before my time. Don’t believe me? I’ll prove it.

Take a look at this photo. This was me at fourteen taking a DIY glamour shot.

Even though my superstar potential is obvious, I wasn’t ready to be in front of a camera yet. And because no one told me I wasn’t ready, the photo suffers. It ends up looking forced and awkward. Which is what I see when I watch your video for Can’t be Tamed.

Don’t be upset. I’m only trying to help you. The good news is that just because you’re not sexy now doesn’t mean you won’t learn later on in life what it is that truly makes you sexy. Hint: It’s not what those crones at your label say it is. Don’t believe me? I’ll prove it.

Take a look at this photo, taken years after my first attempt at sexiness.

Now, as you can see, I’ve become almost too sexy for my own good. This post-adolescent animorph of  me coming into my sexy appears effortless but it took a long time to learn how to carry myself so I no longer look like a baby giraffe trying to take its first steps. And because it took so long my mental health remains intact. That means no rehab for me!

So take it down a notch kid.* Show us sexy when you’ve learned what it means.

XOXO!

Sarah

*I’m not using kid as a cute nickname, I’m using it literally.

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The Richard Branson Project: Official Launch

Not all international superstars are created equal. There are those who sparkle when a sun beam falls upon them or float as though he or she is an angel. Some only need a first name. Others are known for their clothing/perfume/media empires.

However.

Only one has created a space plane. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/8400353.stm

[picapp align=”none” wrap=”false” link=”term=richard+branson&iid=8291890″ src=”1/f/2/8/Sir_Richard_Branson_d35c.jpg?adImageId=12623579&imageId=8291890″ width=”380″ height=”271″ /]

I won’t bore you with claims that Sir Richard stole my idea, nor will I place the blueprints of my own space plane on here to validate the claims I said I wouldn’t bore you with. There’s a more serious matter to discuss.

I am not currently at a place where I have the resources to design my own space plane. And if I can’t create a simple little thing like that, then how am I ever going to be able to teleport back to the time when Atlantis was destroyed so I can rebuild it, rename it Your Mom and then teleport back through time, stopping off in Italy mid-Renassaince period to paint puppies on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and snag the Mona Lisa for my living room? The live one, not the painting. Beat that art snobs!

I have to face reality. I’m just not a big enough superstar to get all that accomplished. Yet.

Which is why, today, I am pleased to announce the launch of The Richard Branson Project, or RBP, for short.

As a mid-level international superstar, the RBP will follow my attempt to enter the upper levels of superstardom by becoming Richard Branson’s friend. Everyone knows the quickest way fame jump is to be friends with someone already at the level you want to be at. Remember how Nicolas Cage helped Johnny Depp by introducing him to his agent? Johnny hopped on the A-List train and never looked back. Kim Kardashian is another fine example. She used to be just another Paris Hilton tag-a-long. Now I don’t even remember what Paris looks like. That’s fame jumping done right.

This is a modest project with achievable goals. All I am looking for is a standing invitation to Necker Island (RB’s private island), a couple of photos ops here and there, a press release in Vanity Fair, People, and the Wall Street Journal about our new friendship, a five minute video interview for this blog, and oh heck, let’s throw in a free ride to space.

I will document my progress when necessary on this blog. I’m fairly confident I will be successful on most, if not all, of my goals.

And if you missed it the first time, check out my soon-to-be favorite vacation spot, Necker Island, on MTV’s Cribs.

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Happy Hope your Taxes are Done Day!

Did you use Turbo Tax or go to an accountant? I used to go to an accountant but money’s been tight the past couple of years. I miss my accountant. She was nice and always saved me money. The first time I went to her she said, “You gotta look out for you.” Then she punched a guy in the face.

Backstory.

It was my first year living in New York City. I was 21, going to acting school and waitressing to pay the rent.

“Welcome to Bubba Gump Shrimp Company, a theme restaurant that revolves around a movie that came out over ten years ago! Would you like me to serve you my dignity now or later?”

One day I got a letter from corporate headquarters. I thought it was a thank you card or gift certificate to Best Buy for being such a good waitress. Nope, just my W2 form announcing it was time to file my taxes.

Thanks corporate! This is just what I need to remind me that I don’t get paid enough to be a dancing monkey for your restaurant. Let me walk over to H&R Block so they can remind me too!

This was the first time I made enough money to make filing my taxes a requirement. I don’t know if you remember what it was like to file your taxes for the first time. It’s a pretty intimidating experience. There are a lot of numbers and personal questions involved. I’m not good with either of those so the idea of spending my afternoon dealing with both of those things produced considerable anxiety.

When I arrived at the office for my appointment, I met Tosha. She was a petite African American woman with a friendly smile.

“Come on back. Nothing to be worried about.”

I believed her.

Tosha started to look over my paperwork. She invited me to sit down at her cubicle. So I did. It was located toward the back half of the office. My chair faced the front door. Tosha and her desk were between me and the door making it difficult for me (if I had wanted to) to escape/make a run for it. This is a very important detail to remember. A windowless bathroom was to my right.

About a handful of people who had appointments waited in the front. One man came in who did not have an appointment. He demanded that Tosha answer all his questions.

“How much is this property tax? I ain’t paying it.”

“I’m married. That helps right?”

“I still don’t understand. Man, I don’t have time for this shit.”

As this went on it became clear that the man was unstable. Tosha kindly told him that she didn’t have the answers and he would have to see a specialized tax accountant.

“No. You answer me now.” And he threw his papers onto her desk. That’s when Tosha turned to me and said…

“You gotta look out for you.”

I didn’t have time to process that statement before she stood up, knocked his papers to the floor and then, in a very deliberate manner, stepped on them in her four inch lime green stiletto heels, leaving tiny heel piercings on this man’s tax documents.

“You bitch.”

It was at this moment I realized things were not going to end well and I was trapped. As Tosha threw her first punch, I watched as everyone else scattered out onto the street.

“Get the cops!” someone yelled from outside.

Save me! I thought as the walls of the cubicle came crashing down on top of me. The man had thrown Tosha against it. She wasn’t hurt but now she was going to make him pay. Her words, not mine.

People always wonder what flashes through a person’s mind when they are in a situation like this. Here’s what went through mine.

Someone here is going to have a gun.

Overly dramatic? Maybe. But that’s what Papa Walker taught me when I was seven years old. “You never know who will have a gun so always be on the lookout and get down if you ever hear shots.”

So I hit the floor and crawled army style to the bathroom. I crouched behind the door and listened as the fight continued.

I couldn’t tell who was winning for a while. There was some muffled scuffling and I heard Tosha mutter, “Who’s the bitch now?” I poked my head out and saw her pinning the man to the ground, twisted on his back like a pro wrestler, sans shirt, her lacy black bra on display for all to see.

Two cops walked in and I darted back behind the door. No way was I going to the precinct to be a witness for this mess.

Tosha and the man decided they would not press charges against each other. I could feel the air settling and the threat of danger was now being replaced with the sweet promise of opportunity. I knew all I had to do was wait until the cops left and my taxes would be done for free.

“Oh you’re still here?” Tosha said as I emerged from the bathroom. “Sorry bout that, let’s finish taking care of you.” We shared a laugh over how stupid men are and she did my taxes at no cost.

Today I salute all the Tosha’s of the world. Thank you for throwing it down and getting your clients the biggest refund possible. Godspeed.

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Getting Fired: Tips or How To

I am an expert on how to get fired.

As of this writing I have been fired about eleven or twelve times, not counting the times where I decided to fire them for decreasing the value of my life. I’m not sure if this is a higher than normal number for someone in their mid twenties but I know most of my friends do not shift jobs as often as I do.

International superstars tend to have hard time living a traditional life.

The first time I got fired was when I was sixteen. I was spending my summer working at the movie theater, smiling and tearing tickets. It was a fun job. I got to see movies for free and all of the cool kids were working at the mall at the time so I felt cool by default. 1 It was only a matter of time before I would be invited to “the property” 2 and have my first beer. This would then lead to not only my first boyfriend but first appearance at second base. Cut to an amazing yet completely believable sequence of events (with a makeover montage in the middle) making me the most popular girl in school and the homecoming/prom queen. However, some people try to hate on me by saying it was a bet and I cry. But then I stop crying because I realize I have inner beauty and they don’t. What? This is beginning to sound like the movie She’s All That? Hmm. Never saw it.

Anyway.

One afternoon, I went in to check my schedule for the week. Except I couldn’t because there was a blank space where my name used to be. Simple computer error, I thought.

Here’s something I found out that day that’s true for most places. If your name is off the schedule, chances are you’ve been fired.

“You missed a shift.”

“What?”

“Friday night. You were supposed to work.”

“No I wasn’t.”

“Here’s last week’s schedule.” My manager said, in a way that implied I was about to be served.

Sarah Walker/Friday Night 5-CL

Damn it. Argument invalid.

“Well I didn’t know!” I yelled.

And my manager just shrugged his shoulders, his tiny badger eyes revealing not a sliver of empathy. His indifference really pissed me off. I was never late, did my job, and brought joy to those seeing a movie. But one honest mistake erased all that. I didn’t say anything else to him and stormed out before I started crying what I call my “angry tears”.

Here’s what I learned from that experience.

  1. Your value is nil working for a corporate entity. You are only disposable. Upside? So are they.
  2. It’s easy to move on. If you don’t let your anger/resentment/ego hold you back you’ll find that your life usually improves or at the very least becomes more interesting. The next day I went to the beach instead of spending it in an empty mall.
  3. There are plenty of other jobs out there if you just think outside the box. I know this is hard for some people to hear, especially in these “tough times”, but it’s true. After I got fired from the movie theater, I got a better job as a lawyer’s assistant. I was not at all qualified for it, but so what? International superstars never let a little thing like qualifications get in the way! I took a chance, learned some new things, developed a great friendship with my boss, and got closer to my goal of buying a car. I consider that a win against the system.

Speaking of the system, getting fired is a great way to beat it. Too many people get sucked into jobs they hate, mindlessly putting their time in as life passes them by. I was just at my hometown mall and I saw the same manager who fired me, STILL working there. That was ten years ago! If he’s happy, awesome.  But if you’re not and can’t get up the courage to quit, you should try to get fired. Seriously.

Here are some of my techniques.

Stop going. This works well at the beginning of a new job. There’s little attachment and your bosses are still testing you out. If you don’t show up for a shift it makes it easy for them to fire you. Especially when you don’t answer the phone when they call. If you’ve been at a job longer, you might feel guilty doing this. That’s ok. You can use a different method.

Point out to your boss that he/she is stupid. This is a really fun one and you usually see results. Depending how fast you want to get out of there, you can either say it point blank or drag your time out with sarcastic comments that cut deep. Example:

BOSS: Today we’re going to feature the filet mignon.

YOU: Cause soooo many of our customers know what that is.

This response is brilliant because not only are you undermining your boss’s choice for the special, you’re also getting a dig in against the restaurant! Say it in front of your co-workers for extra smoke on that burn. This technique can be modified for any work environment. Bonus points if you include a derisive snort and eye roll.

Do the least amount of work possible. I love this one. Most workplaces encourage this thing called “initiative”. I don’t understand it. Why would I want to interrupt my daydream fantasy where Zac Efron is feeding me grapes to do some menial task like file papers or answer the phone!?!? A good way to address this request for initiative is to say you’ll get on it and then not do it.

Fake a complaint. Perfect for the Ferris Bueller type of worker. Like Ferris faking sick to get out of school, you’re going to fake a reason to get fired. This is best used in corporations that bend over front to service their customers. Here’s what you do. Create an alias (be creative). Write an email complaint about yourself to the company’s main website. Include phrases such as: Never in my life, tell all my friends, felt ignored. Aim for two complaints a month. Offer a quizzical look when questioned about the complaints and then say you won’t let it happen again. Do the same thing with a different alias two weeks later. Continue until desired results are achieved.

These are just a few ideas to get started. You can even try Linda Evangelista’s technique, read it here: https://thatsnotreal.wordpress.com/2010/03/23/superstar-tip-38/

In no time, you’ll be out of a job and on your way to a better life, perhaps even to international superstardom like me. Feel free to leave other suggestions below!

1. I wasn’t

2. The property was a patch of dirt sandwiched between two orange groves. It was a place perfect for bonfires, sing a longs, and bad teenage decision making.

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My Week in Photos

Trash Treasure!!! Here are the goodies on my block this week.

Obviously one item stood out from the rest.

MINE!!!

I also had some weird food discoveries…

like this mutant strawberry. I haven’t eaten yet but I’m hoping upon consumption I will acquire a superpower or two. If I don’t get a superpower out of this, I’ll probably grow an extra appendage which is okay because I will finally have a legitimate reason to join the circus.

And…

then I found this sweet potato I had forgotten about in my cupboard. The tentacles on it really creeped me out. It also smelled like dirt, which it didn’t smell like when I bought it.

This is my friend Emily. She’s an international superstar too. She flew in from LA to work on the show Design Star. She was only in town for a week but I was glad to see her.

Train X? My friend Damian wants to go to there.

This was not found on Train X.

I bet Train X’s riders are not as disgruntled as those on the C train. Wait for me Train X!!!!

Paparazzi catching me dressed down as I go to the grocery store.

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Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan

[picapp align=”center” wrap=”false” link=”term=lindsay+lohan&iid=8209233″ src=”e/a/0/a/Celebs_at_the_0834.JPG?adImageId=11272210&imageId=8209233″ width=”234″ height=”351″ /]

Dear Lindsay,

Hey girl, what’s up? I haven’t seen you since the after party of your movie Georgia Rule. Boy that was a crazy night right? I still remember how everyone wanted to talk to you and take a picture with you and how you told them no. I also remember when I was trying to talk to Jane Fonda and she “couldn’t hear me” you walked right by me without saying good bye!!! It’s okay, I’m not mad at you. That was like, when you were really famous and had only been to rehab once. I know as well as anyone how difficult it can be to manage worldwide celebrity. It’s exhausting to be nice to people.

So I was reading the internet the other day about your latest publicity stunt, er, I mean lawsuit you’re filing against e*trade. I had to smile. Suing a company for 100 MILLION DOLLARS?!?! That’s what I’m talking about! Every international superstar knows that you have to keep your name in the papers no matter how ridiculous/stupid/unfortunate the reason. In fact, you and Paris were the ones who taught me this technique.

In my dreams you speak with your trademark gin and cigarettes voice and call me grasshopper.

But today I am a grasshopper no more. Which is why I am filing a lawsuit against you Ms. Lindsay Lohan for….well, a lot of reasons. The most egregious reason being the fact that you keep drinking from the fountain of crazy. You’re only supposed to drink one cup! Did no one tell you that?! Even Paris and Britney stopped imbibing when they realized too much crazy juice makes their hair extensions fall out.

Please don’t be mad at me. I’m suing you for your own good. I’m not asking for much, just a five year gag order placed on you, your mom and dad and any other wannabe who is friends with you because they’re trying to be famous by association.

Also. I don’t know how to tell you this but… your international superstar status has been revoked. I know. Harsh. I didn’t want it to come to this but the international superstar committee took a vote and we think it’s for the best. It’s not permanent but you will have to retake your certification test. I will totally help you study and let you borrow my cooling eye mask and red dress so you can look your best on the day of your test.

Call me if you need anything and remember, people like you most when you’re a redhead. Embrace it! It’s hard to pull off red hair. I should know.

XOXO!!!!

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Wal-Mart Photo Shoot

As an international superstar you have to make sure your promotional materials are always fresh and kept up to date. Not only does this keep your level of visibility high but it keeps your fans happy. The last thing you want is for your fans to become bored with you and visit another international superstar’s website. However, this can be time consuming and expensive, especially for the novice at the start of his or hers international superstar career.

If you are in the process of becoming an international superstar or just looking for something fun to do on a Saturday afternoon, let me recommend the Wal-Mart Portrait Studio.

A few months ago I needed a new set of photos but I was having problems finding a company that could best capture my “sexy”. I visited several places, JCPenney’s, Sears, and Glamour Shots. They were all fine but none of them exhibited the caliber of photography I was looking for.

Enter Wal-Mart.

It was a warm winter’s eve in Florida when I arrived at my photo shoot accompanied by my photo shoot helper, Amy Grover. As I said hello to the little old lady who was on Greeter Duty, I took a deep breath. Could Wal-Mart handle the supernova force that is Sarah Walker?

As I slipped on my silver glitter parachute pants without a second glance from my photographer, I knew the answer was yes.

“Do it like a high school photo. You know, more awkward.”

“Can you bend your leg that way?”

“Now do a split.”

“That was super cute.”

Kym and Kendra, the photographers, were true professionals. The shoot only lasted 45 minutes but they were able to take me and my photos to the next level. I’ve selected some of my favorite shots so you can see for yourself.

Look at the variety of shots and backdrops. Unbelievable! Any minute Vogue is going to call and ask me to be their September issue cover girl. They won’t even need to do a separate shoot! Everything that fashion represents is exemplified in this photo shoot. You can see the rest of the photos at my fan club, sarahwalkerfanclub.com.

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