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Hey girl, what’s up? I haven’t seen you since the after party of your movie Georgia Rule. Boy that was a crazy night right? I still remember how everyone wanted to talk to you and take a picture with you and how you told them no. I also remember when I was trying to talk to Jane Fonda and she “couldn’t hear me” you walked right by me without saying good bye!!! It’s okay, I’m not mad at you. That was like, when you were really famous and had only been to rehab once. I know as well as anyone how difficult it can be to manage worldwide celebrity. It’s exhausting to be nice to people.
So I was reading the internet the other day about your latest publicity stunt, er, I mean lawsuit you’re filing against e*trade. I had to smile. Suing a company for 100 MILLION DOLLARS?!?! That’s what I’m talking about! Every international superstar knows that you have to keep your name in the papers no matter how ridiculous/stupid/unfortunate the reason. In fact, you and Paris were the ones who taught me this technique.
In my dreams you speak with your trademark gin and cigarettes voice and call me grasshopper.
But today I am a grasshopper no more. Which is why I am filing a lawsuit against you Ms. Lindsay Lohan for….well, a lot of reasons. The most egregious reason being the fact that you keep drinking from the fountain of crazy. You’re only supposed to drink one cup! Did no one tell you that?! Even Paris and Britney stopped imbibing when they realized too much crazy juice makes their hair extensions fall out.
Please don’t be mad at me. I’m suing you for your own good. I’m not asking for much, just a five year gag order placed on you, your mom and dad and any other wannabe who is friends with you because they’re trying to be famous by association.
Also. I don’t know how to tell you this but… your international superstar status has been revoked. I know. Harsh. I didn’t want it to come to this but the international superstar committee took a vote and we think it’s for the best. It’s not permanent but you will have to retake your certification test. I will totally help you study and let you borrow my cooling eye mask and red dress so you can look your best on the day of your test.
Call me if you need anything and remember, people like you most when you’re a redhead. Embrace it! It’s hard to pull off red hair. I should know.