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I am an expert on how to get fired.
As of this writing I have been fired about eleven or twelve times, not counting the times where I decided to fire them for decreasing the value of my life. I’m not sure if this is a higher than normal number for someone in their mid twenties but I know most of my friends do not shift jobs as often as I do.
International superstars tend to have hard time living a traditional life.
The first time I got fired was when I was sixteen. I was spending my summer working at the movie theater, smiling and tearing tickets. It was a fun job. I got to see movies for free and all of the cool kids were working at the mall at the time so I felt cool by default. 1 It was only a matter of time before I would be invited to “the property” 2 and have my first beer. This would then lead to not only my first boyfriend but first appearance at second base. Cut to an amazing yet completely believable sequence of events (with a makeover montage in the middle) making me the most popular girl in school and the homecoming/prom queen. However, some people try to hate on me by saying it was a bet and I cry. But then I stop crying because I realize I have inner beauty and they don’t. What? This is beginning to sound like the movie She’s All That? Hmm. Never saw it.
One afternoon, I went in to check my schedule for the week. Except I couldn’t because there was a blank space where my name used to be. Simple computer error, I thought.
Here’s something I found out that day that’s true for most places. If your name is off the schedule, chances are you’ve been fired.
“You missed a shift.”
“Friday night. You were supposed to work.”
“No I wasn’t.”
“Here’s last week’s schedule.” My manager said, in a way that implied I was about to be served.
Sarah Walker/Friday Night 5-CL
Damn it. Argument invalid.
“Well I didn’t know!” I yelled.
And my manager just shrugged his shoulders, his tiny badger eyes revealing not a sliver of empathy. His indifference really pissed me off. I was never late, did my job, and brought joy to those seeing a movie. But one honest mistake erased all that. I didn’t say anything else to him and stormed out before I started crying what I call my “angry tears”.
Here’s what I learned from that experience.
- Your value is nil working for a corporate entity. You are only disposable. Upside? So are they.
- It’s easy to move on. If you don’t let your anger/resentment/ego hold you back you’ll find that your life usually improves or at the very least becomes more interesting. The next day I went to the beach instead of spending it in an empty mall.
- There are plenty of other jobs out there if you just think outside the box. I know this is hard for some people to hear, especially in these “tough times”, but it’s true. After I got fired from the movie theater, I got a better job as a lawyer’s assistant. I was not at all qualified for it, but so what? International superstars never let a little thing like qualifications get in the way! I took a chance, learned some new things, developed a great friendship with my boss, and got closer to my goal of buying a car. I consider that a win against the system.
Speaking of the system, getting fired is a great way to beat it. Too many people get sucked into jobs they hate, mindlessly putting their time in as life passes them by. I was just at my hometown mall and I saw the same manager who fired me, STILL working there. That was ten years ago! If he’s happy, awesome. But if you’re not and can’t get up the courage to quit, you should try to get fired. Seriously.
Here are some of my techniques.
Stop going. This works well at the beginning of a new job. There’s little attachment and your bosses are still testing you out. If you don’t show up for a shift it makes it easy for them to fire you. Especially when you don’t answer the phone when they call. If you’ve been at a job longer, you might feel guilty doing this. That’s ok. You can use a different method.
Point out to your boss that he/she is stupid. This is a really fun one and you usually see results. Depending how fast you want to get out of there, you can either say it point blank or drag your time out with sarcastic comments that cut deep. Example:
BOSS: Today we’re going to feature the filet mignon.
YOU: Cause soooo many of our customers know what that is.
This response is brilliant because not only are you undermining your boss’s choice for the special, you’re also getting a dig in against the restaurant! Say it in front of your co-workers for extra smoke on that burn. This technique can be modified for any work environment. Bonus points if you include a derisive snort and eye roll.
Do the least amount of work possible. I love this one. Most workplaces encourage this thing called “initiative”. I don’t understand it. Why would I want to interrupt my daydream fantasy where Zac Efron is feeding me grapes to do some menial task like file papers or answer the phone!?!? A good way to address this request for initiative is to say you’ll get on it and then not do it.
Fake a complaint. Perfect for the Ferris Bueller type of worker. Like Ferris faking sick to get out of school, you’re going to fake a reason to get fired. This is best used in corporations that bend over front to service their customers. Here’s what you do. Create an alias (be creative). Write an email complaint about yourself to the company’s main website. Include phrases such as: Never in my life, tell all my friends, felt ignored. Aim for two complaints a month. Offer a quizzical look when questioned about the complaints and then say you won’t let it happen again. Do the same thing with a different alias two weeks later. Continue until desired results are achieved.
These are just a few ideas to get started. You can even try Linda Evangelista’s technique, read it here: https://thatsnotreal.wordpress.com/2010/03/23/superstar-tip-38/
In no time, you’ll be out of a job and on your way to a better life, perhaps even to international superstardom like me. Feel free to leave other suggestions below!
1. I wasn’t
2. The property was a patch of dirt sandwiched between two orange groves. It was a place perfect for bonfires, sing a longs, and bad teenage decision making.
Don’t go to work today. When your boss calls to see where you are say, “I don’t get out of bed for less than 10,000 dollars.”
Don’t leave your movie premiere tickets at home.